Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
