Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
