I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
