So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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