apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Let's get the cat blown out
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
