Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
