She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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