then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
