sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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