Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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