I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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