i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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