i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
