My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
