summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
