last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Randomize
