oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
