I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
