I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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