when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
