Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
