She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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