Capitaan dildo arrescate!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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