When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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