The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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