I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
