the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
