yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
