While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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