The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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