just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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