also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
