Please, let me fuck your mom
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
