Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
