My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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