I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
operation have a gay friend backfired
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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