Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize