I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
