I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
