I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
