i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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