shes about as inviting as chlamydia
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize