then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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