So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
