If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We're too hungover to prance.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
