My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
