i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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