I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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