Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
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In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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