help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
