I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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