I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you didnt know i had herpes?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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