He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
