:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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