There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
