What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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