Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
