I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
