So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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