i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
