You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
